Published on October 9th, 2012 | by Chris0
USS Seaviper (2012)
Much like Jarhead, there's about an hour and a half of my life I'll never get back. USS Seaviper is probably the finest example of a movie about nothing. It's the Seinfeld of war movies. Except not funny, with uninteresting characters. Good thing I'm still working on the Worst War Movies Challenge or I'd have switched this off early.
Supposedly, the plot revolves around the Germans hooking up with the Japanese during WWII to transfer some U-235. Supposedly. Because the entirety of the movie deals with everything EXCEPT that. Far too many scenes that should have been cut way shorter, or dropped on the floor altogether. Far too many little subplots and side stories that are ultimately meaningless, but we spend time on them anyway. Something about a watch, POW's?, another bit about somebody's brother. Captain? What captain? Oh, the dude who went off on a mission still in his whiteys.... The entire submarine vs. destroyer plot, complete with near-mutinous conditions could have worked, but....
WHAT THE HELL, GUYS?! SRLSY GUISE!! I sat through this entire thing going, "OK. What? What does this have to do with anything? What? Huh? Shut up and get back to the story already!"
And another thing. I'm no expert on the military "technical" side of things, by any means. Little details that are incorrect will just fly right by me, because I just don't know. But a lot of things here just left me screaming at the screen. "HEY GUISE, you might want to make sure your raft doesn't drift back out to sea." "Hey look, the Japanese guy has a US-issue radio (thats one thing I DO know about." "up scope, down scope, up scope, down scope, MAKE UP YOUR MIND!!!" "I don't think a 1940's issue airplane radio would have a big computer printed NAV 1 sticker on it guise." "You're HOW far away? Four MILES?"
And the boat's doctor, holy shit, dude. If you were the doctor on board my submarine I would have fired YOU out of the tubes. Talk about a useless whiny piece of crap. Sorry, dude-who-had-to-play-the-doctor (I'm not going to bother looking you up) but you got a raw deal there. Short straw?
If I had to say one good thing about USS Seaviper, it would be that somebody in production was able to pull some strings and get them a decent submarine or set to work with. Not sure how they were able to procure stuff like the sub set, and the airplane, and a few other bits that you go, "Yeah, OK, good job production dudes," but it in no means makes up for the rest. A lot of the effects were pretty damned good, actually.
The dialog really wasn't terrible, except when it was completely awful. It was a hit-or-miss situation there. The delivery and extended-ness of the pointless scenes ruined what wasn't bad, though. The acting I'm not sure I can harp on too much, as it's quality may have been a reflection of the writing and direction, (I'm not sure I want to lump all the blame on the actors), but it could have been better.
And the U-235? I guess we somehow acquired it. Don't ask me how, because I really have no freaking idea. "Oh yay we sank the destroyer finally! Now beam it over, Scotty!" I really don't know.
Look at the poster up there. See those airplanes? I didn't.
And the final straw, when they pull up to the Los Alamos front gate and it looks like its in the middle of the woods in Arkansas or something. I've been in the neighborhood of Los Alamos before. And I don't think its ever looked that green, gentlemen.
I just, I.... just avoid USS Seaviper. Please.
It looks like they've not released this onto disc yet, which is probably just as well.
Summary: USS Seaviper is probably the finest example of a war movie about nothing. It's the Seinfeld of war movies. Except not funny, with uninteresting characters. Steer clear.