Published on September 14th, 2012 | by Chris4
Hustler Squad (1976)
I don't even know how to describe Hustler Squad, its that bad. Even Dr. Forrester would have second thoughts on sending this up to the Satellite of Love, as it would constitute cruel and unusual punishment.
See, during WWII in the Philippines, Major Stoney Stonewell (no kidding) hatches a devious secret plan to infiltrate a Japanese brothel with four "secret agents" who's job it will be to kill four Japanese upper-echelon officers in the throes of, uh, passion, then get out again.
The premise just oozes bad alone, but the execution is what really takes it. Take for example their set which doubles as both the general's office AND a seedy nightclub. Seriously. Check out the 1960's paneling on the walls and the 70's avocado green curtains. Its the same place. You could have at least sprung for some vintage clothing or someone to do some proper 1940's hairstyles. You all look like you walked off the set of Charlies Angels or something.
It goes without saying that the acting is just bad. I don't think anyone had a stellar performance. Of course delivering dialogue like this must have been an insurmountable challenge.
Then there are the "Japanese" on the island. Most of which appear (and sound) to be Filipino extras. For the most part they act like 10-year olds trying to do their best inappropriate "chinaman" imitation, and failing miserably. The sole exception is the Admiral. Not sure how he got to be involved with this film, but he actually manages to deliver his lines in a believable way! Too bad he winds up dead a few minutes later. (Did I spoil it? DAMN!)
The actual "war movies" scenes are so bad. That annoying "metal wire snap" sound effect is used to the point of wearing out the loop (and the viewer), and the overacting on the part of the extras. "Oh! You got me! I'm dying!" (clutch heart and/or spread arms wide, look to the sky, fall down dramatically).... I just, I don't even.
If you ever have the rare opportunity to watch this movie, run, don't walk, in the complete opposite direction. Unless you are filled with the same morbid curiosity which has brought me to this point. "It's so bad, its good" does not apply here. Consider yourself lucky there are no clips or trailers on YouTube to share. Of course if you do find one, feel free to share.
I actually considered giving this zero stars. But that wouldn't exactly be fair. So 1/2 of a star it is.
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Summary: Avoid Hustler Squad at all costs. Unless you're trapped on a spaceship with two smart-mouthed robots.